List Price: $415.50
Sale Price: $292.50
Today's Bonus: 30% Off
Wow, where do I begin?
I'm just going to throw this out there... I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but the entire process from delivery to assembly was such a mind-rape that by the end of the session, I was borderline homicidal.
Reasons for purchase:
The wife (let's call her Candy) and I spent a good few grand on a new sectional, and she decided that we needed a new lamp to go with it. OK, but the setup of our room was such that we couldn't get much clearance behind the sectional, so an arch lamp was the best solution. Why? Well, this particular lamp only needs about 4~5 inches of clearance from the wall.
Price:
Now, I'm not for skimping on something as mechanically stressed as an arch lamp, but I refuse to pay $500+ for one just because it was designed by some latte-sipping yuppy and wrapped with a rare hide harvested from unicorn testicles. No, my price ceiling was going to be $350.
Delivery:
As an Amazon Prime member, I usually enjoy the luxury of getting my stuff as quickly, if not sooner, than the process of deciding whether to hit the local brick & motar stores. However, be aware that even though Amazon shows this as being eligible for free shipping through its Prime program, you will NOT receive it in two days. Nosiree bob! They contract shipments of bulkier items such as this with smaller/private carriers. I had the pleasure (in an S&M sort of way) of dealing with a particular carrier called Pilot Freight Services.
Apparently, the lamp is shipped in two separate boxes with bright orange labels reading "Multi-box set, do not separate" or something to that effect. It was actually a two-box set. Unfortunately, I received only the lamp shades. I immediately got on the phone with Pilot. Little did I know what I was getting into. I explained the situation to the lady on the other end, and.... Well, I tried so hard to explain that 2 is larger than 1, only to have her redefine to me what lamps actually are. I didn't know what to make of it, but the feeling of talking to her was akin to mating with a porcupine. By the end of it, I caved in and agreed to call Amazon, and she promptly hung up. Like a middle-finger sort of hang-up, no apologies or good-byes. Alrighty then!
As usual, the call to Amazon was much more tolerable. They offered to send a replacement shipment right away, albeit with the same carrier (grrrrr). Just when I thought I had to wait for another week and a half, the Pilot driver calls me back and tells me they're coming back to deliver the second box. *facepalm* Upon arrival, they drag in a badly beaten box, with styrofoam particles flying everywhere. THANK YOU! The waybill I signed had been torn in half. Nice touch.
Assembly:
One word: Painful. You know when you're on the john, and you drop the kids off in the pool way too hard and fast, and then your O-ring gets a delayed burst of pain? Of course, you don't want to scream, so you end up sitting on the john, gritting your teeth in silence, panting, eyes wide open. It's like that, except more than once. Just imagine that a midget troll is manically thrusting a rod into your [self-censored] repeatedly while you're simply trying to assemble the lamp.
It didn't help that the instructions seemed to have been writen by the same person who translated the now-infamous "All Your Base Are Belong To Us." An example:
"Connect the base cover, marble and make screw through it, attach dented washer than tighten them with nut by tool." What? I'm not sure exactly what that's asking me to do, but I'm a heterosexual male, and love my wife very much.
A) Marble base
B) Leather-lined pole
C) 3-prong arch
I'm pretty sure that none of the Lite Source guys actually tried to put C onto B before, because it was damn near impossible to shove in. Before you folks start to question my intelligence, let it be known that I still remember prom night; I know a few things about how to finesse in parts that don't quite fit properly (at first). The pole (B) had an electrical module (in heat shrink), along with a 2-inch long threaded end that screwed onto the pole (B), if that makes any sense. The problem was that a switch assembly within the pole (B) itself blocked off a mere 4 inches from the top (where (C) is supposed to fit into). You're effectively trying to shove a larger volume of material into an impossibly small space. I don't know how I did it, but I beat the reality of physics; I've somehow shoved something the size of a grapefruit, into a hole the size of an orange. The only other example of such a miracle would be childbirth, where something the size of a watermelon goes through something the size of a walnut.
Tips:
Here's something to help clear up some of the confusion within the instructions. You'll want to install the pole onto the base, BEFORE attaching the 3-prong arch. You'd think an intelligent person would have easily figured that out, but I think we've already established where I fall on that particular spectrum.
Also, make sure the pole is tightly wound/screwed onto the base. You may want to test it out by pulling against the pole to see whether it tilts against the strain. Don't worry about where the knob is facing when you're screwing the pole on; you can always turn it even after it's tightened.
Lamp:
It turned on. Well, not much to complain about NOW~ After the wife came home, she commented on how the lamp looked "a bit off" in our living room. I decided to punish her thoroughly that night in the bedroom to no avail.
Given the trauma I endured, I will be keeping the lamp, if only to remind me the fruits of perserverance: action in the bedroom.
In conclusion, buy this lamp if:
1) You are a Lite Source employee
2) You like seeing grown men cry.
3) You are masochistic.
4) It comes pre-assembled.
5) Amazon ships it via a major carrier.
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